Introduction

The “Good Girl” phenomenon is widespread all over the world. The desire to be good and right is equally common for girls and boys alike, and there are many people striving to be good and right in every    community. However, their insistent desire to get approval reduces their activity to a narrow range of good and correct behaviors. Even when these people receive approval, they do not feel satisfied and happy that they are perceived as good, and they continue to seek others’ approval and recognition for their “good” behavior. Why do they want so much to appear as good? What’s their motivation? Let’s try to find the answer by taking a deeper look at this phenomenon through the lens of Existential Analysis theory.

Traditionally, psychology textbooks classify such people as perfectionists and excellent students, characteristics that are largely correlated with the specific development of the personality in the direction of narcissistic traits. In the theory of Existential Analysis, narcissism signifies a pathological development pertaining to the third fundamental motivation (Am I allowed to be myself?). But the real picture of the phenomenon of wanting to be seen as good is much broader. since correct and socially sanctioned behaviors are part of the coping reactions used to compensate for existential deficits in all dimensions* of existence. The purpose of this article is to look at the phenomenon of the “good girl” from the vantage point  of the existential-analytical approach  developed by Alfried Längle (Lit.1).

* The dimensions of existence are – the world (1), the life (2), the Person (3) and the greater context for the meaning (4)

Existential Analysis (EA) is based on a structural model depicting four fundamental motivations (FM)**. To live a fulfilled life based on internal consent and being a person, four basic motivations must be fulfilled:

I. To be ABLE to BE in the world

II.-To feel that life is good and to LIKE to live.

III.-To appreciate one’s OWN person and have the right to be oneself

IV.- To find a MEANING for one’s actions and being.

**The fundamental motivation (FM) is an internal movement inherent in man by nature that can be blocked in some cases.

For each motivation, there are   prerequisites that need to be present in order for the motivation to be realized. If these prerequisites  are absent, the person has problems with the fulfillment of existence. These deficits in have different consequences, specific for each motivation. For instance, in the first motivation a person feels anxiety and fear, in the second motivation, feelings of depressive circle, in the third one, feeling of own insignificance, in the fourth one – the existential vacuum. To deal with such consequences people develop special coping reactions which are psychodynamic protective activities that  allow them to survive  physically and psychologically.  The coping reactions are automatic and unconscious.. If we  go back to the “Good Girl” phenomenon, we can ask whether  her behavior  may be understandable from the point of view of  the coping reactions mobilized to  deal with some of the existential deficits.

The common traits of all types of “good girl”

What is typical for the “Good Girl” in general?

Psychologically, the “Good Girl” is infantile, she remains a child, dependent on the opinion of adults about herself and about her behavior, which confirms for her with the necessary degree of authority  that everything is right in her actions. She has no trust in her own feelings and therefore the main  feature of any type of “Good Girl” is a lack of connection with one’s inner reality.  Also, she doesn’t know what she really wants. She can only rely on what is sanctioned as “correct” by others.  Therefore, she feels fear and anxiety about the impact f her actions. Thanks to the others’ approval, the “Good Girl” learns that her behavior is appropriate, and this calms her and makes her more confident that everything is going as it should. Without approval from the outside, she is not able to evaluate the results of her actions, and, until the others’ approval is received,   the uncertainty and her subsequent anxiety do not subside. The feeling of anxiety arises from the fact that until a positive evaluation of her behavior  is secured, there is a chance of an error or incorrect execution of the action. In  line with the  “Good Girl” thinking who identifies herself with her own actions, this would  automatically mean that she was bad. The main idea that she learned growing up is  -that  her parents’ love  is not readily available, it can only be earned by good behaviors., and bad girls are punished and deprived of love This is unbearable for a” Good Girl”. Because of her constant dependence on external evaluation, she runs the risk of never growing up, much less becoming a woman. After all, in order to reach maturity, one needs to be able to plan one’s own actions and evaluate the correctness of their implementation. This capacity requires two skills:

1. The ability to evaluate one’s resources.
2. The ability to predict the consequences of one’s actions.

For adult behavior, it is equally important to be able to adequately deal with failures and mistakes, and to take responsibility for them. The “Good Girl” is not able to do any of these. Trying to avoid mistakes, she prefers not to take any risks in her actions. As a result of the repeated avoidance of responsibility throughout her life, she has a specific feeling: “I have no right to decide and act on my own. Before I do anything, I have to make sure that it’s going to be good.”

On a closer examination,  people’s motivation for engaging in good behavior is found in all four fundamental motivations of existence. This behavior is protective, helping to compensate for deficits in the corresponding motivation. The actions of “good girls” fit into the model of coping reactions*** corresponding to each FM. Based on the phenomenological analysis of practical-clinical experience, it was possible to formulate the main mottos of “Good girls” and to assign them into four large groups in accordance with the four fundamental motivations of Alfried Längle (see Anex 1).

The four main types of “Good Girls”

I.- “The Unsure”.

Manifestation: The specific signs by which one can identify the “Good Girl” of this first type are: hesitancy, prolonged thinking process,  inability to independent action, and constant search for confirmation of the correctness of her actions and decisions. The typical feeling of the unsure type is anxiety and fear. She doesn’t feel safe because she is lacking the supporting space which provides her the needed protection. Therefore, even after reaching significant heights in her career, she is not able stand at the head of the organization and become its sole leader. She must have someone else with her as an advisor to help her take responsibility and make decisions. Behind them,  she could hide, whenever necessary. Therefore, she is the eternal “Number two” in the hierarchy. Physically, she looks repressed and tense. She looks much younger than her years, and speaks in  a child’s voice. She often looks for opportunities to get praise and asks for approval. This style is especially common in women’s circles, where they discuss hobbies and needlework.

Development: Such a phenomenon can be caused by the person’s experiences of being abandoned, betrayed, exposed to unsafety, and by a general absence of protection from the threatening world. The unsure “Good girl” grows up from the children who did not have a constant place of living or a stable environment, whose parents died tragically, became seriously sick, or  are alive but  do not care for these girls. She had an early encounter with the reality of an unsafe world and could not get protection. She had to survive alone. In spite of the fact that this type shares  some behavioral patterns  with the histrionic personality ,  the main focus here  is on securing stability and safety, not for looking for attention like in classic hysteria. The unsure good girl has a  more anxious personality manifesting the typical disorders of the anxiety spectrum.. The unsure Good Girl believes that by her wrong actions she can do something so bad that it will have catastrophic consequences. She is entertaining  kind of a “magical thinking” as she tries to avoid the “bad” by engaging in the correct behavior because she has nothing else and does not know how to protect the world and herself from danger.

Main feeling: anxiety and vulnerability

Existential deficit: lack of safety

Coping reaction: looking for protection by doing the correct behavior, searching for support by eliciting  others’ approval, and deploying total control strategies to provide safe spaces.

Practical example “Lucia”: Lucia was the first daughter in a family. At the age of one, her parents placed her in the care of  her grandparents in  another country. She lived there until she was seven and then her parents took her back home where she lived ever since and went  Lucia was missing  her grandparents and their house a lot. For all ten years of school, she never managed to put down  roots and feel at home   at her parents’ house. She grew up as a very anxious child. After finishing school,  Lucia quickly married and her  marriage was very short lived. It gave her only one profit: she left the parental house and could become independent from them. Her husband was a free artist who could not fit her needs for a safe and stable life. After their divorce, she moved  from the town where her parents lived and moved to the capital for better life. There, she met a, very stable man who became her second husband. The young woman did not love him but she could feel herself more protected by him. Lucia found a good job but could not feel fully satisfied. She had a great need to control everything to be sure that everything was OK. She started to do more work than it was really possible and very quickly she became exhausted. Besides, she regularly had panic attacks and she could not  do anything. All physicians told her that everything was  OK with her health. But her psyche was shouting at her that she did not  feel  stable enough and therefore she tried to be a Good Girl to fit the requirements ,to  calm down, and to feel that everything is still OK. Only after several years of therapy she could realize that she needed to find support in herself more then in something else in her life because this  was the best protection. And then she could stop trying to be super good as it is not possible.  

II.-“The Unloved”

Manifestation: The specific signs by which one can identify the “Good Girl” of the second type is the feeling of “own badness” which is often deeply rooted in her  biographical experience stemming from  her early childhood. She did not experience  enough love and feeling loved because she was not treated well. “The Unloved” does not feel that she deserves close relationships and time devoted to her by others. The atmosphere of discontent was the norm for parental family and she felt responsible as if it  was her  fault. It appears in the look on her face that bears the imprint of being unloved. It is as if she always apologizes. These unloved good girls  don’t feel that they really have the right to live  and even more so the  right to be loved. In therapy they can say that the deep feeling towards life is that it would be better for them not to live at all. Therefore, they easily feel guilty and act very cautiously  with others because they try not to provoke the punishment by rupture of relations. They cannot show their real feelings because of a great fear that it can badly influence  their partner or friend, so they repress their feelings. They prefer to repress their wishes and feelings and engage  in an  adaptive behavior to avoid problems. Their greatest nightmare is to lose relationships, no matter how bad they are. They are dependent on relationships and often become codependent because the victim’s position is very natural for them. Without relationships, they feel totally lost. They have no  good attitude towards themselves. Therefore, after divorce or separation they can develop depression and become suicidal as well.

Development: Such phenomenon can be caused by a lot of experiences: the elder child that have lost the priority for love of parents after the birth of her younger brothers and sisters, stays aside and compares himself/herself with them to the worse. Or one of the parents said to her that they preferred that a child of another gender was born. Or the purpose of one’s birth was a question of profit for family (e.g., some privileges as a new bigger apartment, more money from the State program, a chance to make a break in work) but not of the worth of their person as one beloved member of the family. They take full responsibility for everything that  is going on and  experience themselves as secret monsters. Even when nobody sees their “ugliness”, they are sure that it is there. And they are afraid that once something will happen, they will show up as they are. They do as much as they canto avoid this. These people are very careful and helpful. They serve others by trying to predict their wishes and thus to deserve a piece of love. They work hard for getting the feeling that they are needed. In family, such a woman tries to be an ideal wife for her husband and  she rejects or inhibits all of her own needs for his sake. The outer relationship is much more preferable for her than the inner one because she is hoping to find love. “The Unloved” Good Girl has no relationship with herself. And since, nobody wants to deal with monsters, she can’t build durable relationship to others either despite how passionately she covets this possibility.

Main feeling: fear of not  getting love

Existential deficit: lack of love and lack of a reliable  close relationship

 Coping reaction: looking for closeness through victim’s strategy, searching for stable relationships, constantly wanting to be in relationship through dependence and serving the needs of others.

Practical example “Maria”: The smallest daughter was born when her mom was forty years old. Before Maria’s birth, two elder sisters  grew up and  moved out  the parental house. Mother got offended by them and stopped the relationship with them..  This was a clear example for Maria about what could happen if she would not be an obedient girl. She was a clever girl and realized that love is not   given away like a present. Love  needs to be earned  by good behavior. She tried to be good but her mother was a teacher and she  was never fully satisfied  by her humble daughter. Maria was too tall and when she became a teenager she gained weight. . This became the constant theme for rebukes and reproaches, and for a bad prognosis about her attractiveness for men. At the same time, her father was repeating that he was disappointed so much that he had no  sons but only daughters. Maria  excelled in school at mathematics; she had real talent but it did not matter at all for her father. “Women can’t be clever”, – he said. “You are a crocodile”, he added.  For Maria, this comment pierced her heart. . Since then, she became sure that she was  an ugly monster, a crocodile, and that nobody could fall in love with her. She became very uptight and was afraid to open her mouth again, as if she was sure that toads and snakes would start falling out of her mouth if she spoke. Thus, she was hiding herself from the attention of the  boys whom she liked while  at the same time she was attractive for other boys that were not good enough for her. She was really very clever and after the Institute she has made a good career as a programmer and became a top manager of an IT department. She married without love three times and divorced one by one. Each time she tried to be as good as possible and waited for her  husband’s love in response with no result. They used her great dynamism, her humbleness and did not appreciate her.  She  was diagnosed with depression twice and underwent a treatment in the hospital without good result. Once she  attempted  suicide but was stopped by her feeling of duty: she has a son and she lives for him. She lived with her old Mum and son since last marriage. She was still looking for her Prince who will turn her from a monster into a beauty. She couldn’t do it herself after all that happened. During therapy she separated from her  adult  son and could draw boundaries with the unbearable mother. Then she started looking for a real partner.

III.- “Insecure in self-worth”.

Manifestation: The specific signs by which one can identify the “Good Girl” of the third type are: looking for approval to be sure that everything is really OK, excellent marks at school, exemplary conduct, obedience, and the repression of her own wishes for the sake of recognition from significant others. This type  cannot approve of herself because she feels small, even miserable, and not interesting for somebody. She did not get attention, and appreciation, and was not take seriously. . She is looking for attention and at the same time she is afraid to be seen, the specific dynamic of a histrionic personality is. But the impulse to hide herself is prevalent under the wish to show herself and to be the center of attention. This type of hysteria is rather quiet and often she is timid and shy. She can’t draw a boundary by saying “No” and to refuse to do something. She is  happy to satisfy the others and to be satisfied with their pleasure. Her purpose is to be nice and to feel lovable. She cannot endure aggression  and tries to avoid conflict situations.

 Development: The “Insecure in self-worth” can’t approve of herself because throughout her childhood she had heard that her opinion did not matter, that parents understood better what she needed, that thinking about oneself was  selfish and that one needs to think about others and take care of the comfort of the adults who are doing very important things,  are very busy and cannot constantly pay attention to her. Quite often she was  a child of a “great” parents and she can’t pretend to become an equal to them in their grandeur. Nobody can compare with them. They emphasize this difference regularly which  makes the abyss  insurmountable.

Main feeling: Numbness and emptiness

Existential deficit: lack of self-worth

Ersatz coping: Search for attention through nice and sweet conduct, trying to get fair treatment by selflessness, pursuit for appreciation by engaging in good behavior.

Practical example – “Angelika”. Two daughters were born one after the other  in a student’s family. Despite the huge workload, Angelika’s parents finished their education with the highest marks. The elder daughter, Angelika tried to take  her first steps when her mom was  starting her career. Angelika’s mother was a classic perfectionist with all its consequences. Doing  her job perfectly, she wanted to be an “Ideal Mom” at the same time. But that was impossible in the family where two small girls were growing. They were making a mess when they played their games as all normal children do. And when mother was coming home and found a chaos in the house, she was furious.. She was shouting and throwing things because she couldn’t bear chaos. Her motto was: “Ideal mothers always keep an order” and she forced her children to realize it. The reactions of two girls were oppositely different. Angelika was always frightened and tried to satisfy Mom, while her sister fought back and sizzled to mother. This withdrawal became fixated as a relational pattern, and Angelika’s personality became one of a quiet hysterics. She was afraid to protect herself by saying no, and she was always ready to say “Yes” to all demands.. She never showed her wishes and was very easy going . But she had no sense of self at all and was not familiar with the real Angelika. She only felt emptiness inside and therefore she tried to be busy by doing a lot of duties. When she has grew up and got married, she became a slave of order. She washed the apartment every day, put the things in place, made all domestic chores, and waited for approval from her husband. But he didn’t pay attention to this matter and she felt like a loser. After a couple of years they divorced and Angelika met another man. At the beginning, their relationship seemed ideal but soon everything came  back. Only in therapy she started to become aware how far from self she lived her life and began to learn step by step to draw  boundaries.

IV.- “Escaping into activity”.

Manifestation: Specific signs by which one can identify the “Good Girl” of the fourth type are the huge volume of outer activity and the pursuit for perfect and “best” result. Her motivation and effectiveness for success are  incredible and they are deeply rooted in her existential deficits. In the absence of success, “Escaping into activity” does not have a  field of activity  based on personal values projected in the future, and structural connections with greater context; hence, her existence has no substance. The only  things that “confirm” her existence are:  on  one hand, the fact that she is in demand, useful, needed for something; and, on the other hand, – the victory, the win, the triumph that confirms that she is the best one. Then, there is no need to compare with others to confirm one’s quality.  “The winner takes it all!” is her moto and the basis of her passion to win all the competition everywhere. But no life consists only of winnings and therefore in everyday life the “Active Good girl” is hunting for praise, marks as recognition, of her  own importance. Therefore, she is not a popular person for warm and close relationship among her peers but she is rather similar with lonely tree that grows beside the forest. She  is separated, unique and alone. She demonstrates superiority and thus produces envy or irritation because she “always knows everything better”. The forth type is the most narcissistic one among all four types. A win gives pride but not warmth. There is a severe winter inside her soul and its reasons are in her miserable childhood.

Development: such phenomenon can be caused by two diametrically opposite experiences. On one hand, it could be the result  of constant parental admiration, no matter if it was deserved or not. This admiration played a bad role  because in adult life nobody gets it all the time but such children are waiting it as the reward  for further actions. They are dependent from success as the means for admiration. Otherwise they don’t know for what  they live. On the other hand, it could be the experience of comparison with better persons resulting in feeling devaluated as a child. This pattern of parenting is well known in family traditions when parents are afraid to praise children with the aim of not  stopping their motivation to grow, but it really stops it except for the pursuit for achievements.

Main feeling: feeling of uselessness, unclaimed

Existential deficit: lack of meaningful life with inner consent

Ersatz coping: thirst for success and glory instead of the structural connection with greater context and valuable future.   

Practical example – “Anfisa”. This woman at her mature age 70+ is as active as not every young one is able. She has a rule to do at minimum seven big things each day and to visit not less than 5 places. Otherwise she feels herself as not good enough one and can’t find calmness. During her long professional life she tried two very different businesses. At her age about fifty when most of women looking forwards their pension time and wait to rest a bit, Anissa learned a new profession and started a new chapter in her professional life. But her relationship with her husband and two sons were very distant and cold because she couldn’t hear any critics or remarks. She is expecting  only admiration.  

Parental behavior leading to the development of different types of “Good Girls”

Pushy, overly controlling, protective, insecure, or conservative parents do not give the child the opportunity to learn how to make their own decisions. As a result, there is no timely         separation of children from their parents  and they develop signs of dependence on other people and on external evaluation of their own actions:

1. Learned helplessness*
2. The lack of reliance on oneself and one’s own opinion
3. The usual orientation on adults
4. Lack of experience of self-overcoming difficulties

To avoid these consequences parents must attend to three main prerequisites for the self-value development by Alfried Längle (Attention, justice (fair treatment) and appreciation).

If somebody wants to raise a “Good Girl” with a full set of complexes then the special note for them is:

Harmful advices: how to raise a really “Good Girl”?

• Ignore her feelings and needs.
• Don’t pat her on her head and don’t tell her that you love her.
• Constantly criticize everything she does.
• Interrupt her when she tries to tell you something, saying, “Good girls don’t get smart, they listen to their elders.” “The older ones know best what you need.”
• Your grades must be strict so that she doesn’t gets stuck up.
• Repeat regularly how clumsy and awkward she is.
• Don’t let her forget that she’s still young and she can’t really do anything without your help.
• The “Good Girl” should learn only perfectly, nothing less is required of her. No fours!
• She doesn’t need to be too busy cooking or doing chores.
• If she contradicts and is self-willed, punish it with cold behavior and ignoring her.
• Don’t let her do what she wants to do, hide from you, or set up a special place for herself. Drive her away from her homes.
• Do not lose your control over her, regardless of her age.
• Regularly, read her notation.
• When she starts telling you something about herself, turn away and yawn.
• If after your return home she made it a rule to meet you on the doorstep and excitedly share her events, say that you are tired at work and first want to undress and relax, or cook dinner.
• Make her the confident of all your affairs and concerns, so that she will understand how busy you are and that you are not up to her: “There are more important things to do than this nonsense!”
• Shut up her speaking by shouting, “Shut up! How bother you are!”
• Demand from her immediate and unquestioning obedience and fulfillment of your requirements.
• Let her know that she is killing you with her disobedience.
• There’s no need for veal But rigor and justice will make her strong.
• Only work, no play in the life of a serious person. Life is a struggle, no time to relax.
• Everything you do for her; you certainly know how to do better. Do not get tired of showing her your skills and accompany your actions with proud comments about how well you can do it, no one can do it better than you.
• Don’t hide your doubts that you have no idea how the “Good Girl” will cope with life when you are gone.